Embracing Grief Recovery
Your father died today. Your mother, sister, brother, friend or other loved one died today.
Where do you turn? Who can offer you the understanding you need to work through this tremendous pain of loss, this incredible void?
This is the question I asked a little over a year ago when my father died of liver cancer with my father-in-law dying just two months later. I did not know where to go to get the answers to my questions, to get the help I needed, and to interact with others in order to begin the healing and recovery process.
While I struggled with my painful questions, I began to document my own journey into understanding loss and grief, and drew upon my faith in God and on my faith in wisdom. My pain turned into sentences, my sentences turned into paragraphs, my paragraphs turned into chapters, and my chapters became the book, The Wisdom of Death: Six Paths to Understanding Loss and Grief (further information can be obtained at www.BooksofWisdom.com).
But, where was God leading me through the writing of this book? How would God use my pain and suffering for His purpose?
The Vision
Simultaneously as my book was published, my pastor caught the vision of a grief and loss recovery ministry for his church. He had attended a training conference on managing crisis, which included the crisis of loss. He had obtained the curriculum of Norman H. Wright’s Helping Others Recover From Loss and Grief, and desired to start an outreach ministry with it; however, he was not sure where God was leading him regarding this endeavor.
Being a member of the church, I naturally told my pastor about my book on understanding the loss process. After reading it, he found that I also had a passion for carrying out this vision for a grief and loss recovery ministry.
Within a matter of weeks, we had a program in place to reach out to the grieving community. I would facilitate and guide the weekly one-hour meetings for seven weeks using a mixture of Mr. Wright’s and my own curriculum. I felt God’s hand in creating the opportunity for me to share my passion with others.
After establishing the curriculum, the times and dates for the program, we started planning the methods to use in order to attract people to our ministry.
Even before the class began, we had over 25 people enrolled with more than half from the community surrounding the church. We learned that there was a tremendous amount of pain and sorrow among people, and they needed a safe place to belong in order to start their healing and recovery process. We supplied that place.
The ministry has been an outstanding success by reaching out to the hurting people in our community. The program has drawn other church members to study and learn how to respond to those who may be suffering due to grief and loss.
The following is a breakdown of how we established this beneficial ministry.
The Resources
We did not want to charge a price for this outreach, and that decision was a sound one, as several people attending the class would not have been able to afford any additional financial burden in their lives. The church supplied the facility and purchased Wright’s book and my book, The Wisdom of Death: Six Paths to Understanding Loss and Grief. Mr. Wright’s book was given to participants so they could follow along with the weekly lessons. My book, several grief recovery workbooks and Bereavement Magazines were made available to the participants for a small donation. Also, the church supplied the coffee, bottled water, and soft drinks to help make the participants comfortable. My wife and I volunteered our time to teach and facilitate this needed class, which reduced the cost of a paid speaker or facilitator.
The Media
Getting the word out about the grief and loss recovery class was another task we had to overcome. In trying to keep costs down, we had to think of ways to get free publicity rather than purchase advertisement.
First, we developed a brochure outlining the main benefits of the class. We developed it using Microsoft Publisher, and produced a professional looking brochure for little cost. We then delivered copies of the brochure to our local hospice centers, to the local media, to our church members, and to anyone who was interested in the program. The church supported the program by advertising it in the Sunday bulletins and newsletter mailings.
Second, we wrote a press release for the local media. Most media-whether print, radio or electronic-will promote public service announcements for free. This is another reason not to charge for the class, and for the church to pick up the cost of materials and resources as an outreach ministry and public service. Most local newspapers will have a community calendar section or similar area within their paper set aside for public service announcements. This is the area where you want your informative press release to appear telling the community about your class.
Writing an effective press release is simple. Just answer the following questions on a memorandum form titled “Press Release.” Make sure you have included the church’s contact information at the top and then write, “For Immediate Release.” Give your press release a short but attractive title and then answer the questions in narrative form.
1. What? A grief and loss recovery class
2. Where? The location of your class
3. When? The dates and times for the class
4. Who? The facilitator, sponsor, curriculum, or target audience
5. How? How the class will benefit the attendees
Next, use the telephone or the Internet to research all of the local print, radio, and electronic media sources in your area and obtain the fax and telephone numbers along with the email addresses of the people in charge of public service announcements. Then fax and email your press release to each contact several times starting about a month in advance of the actual class start date. Make sure you include your telephone number for the community to respond back to your press release.
The Benefits
Hosting a grief and loss recovery class will teach participants valuable lessons on how to understand the meaning of their grief, adjust to their losses, reinvest in themselves, and use writing exercises to help with difficult pain. It also will lead them toward a renewed spirituality. Members of the church will learn vital lessons on how to respond in a sensitive way to the bereaved while allowing God to minister through them. This is a great opportunity for a church to reach out to their members as well as to the surrounding community.
The program affords the opportunity for some people to come back to a church after being absent for many years. The church can experience growth and a community partnership while spreading the gospel message.
Rather than simply being reactive, waiting for people to approach the church for help, the church needs to be proactive in establishing a partnership with the surrounding community. Becoming a community oriented church means establishing community programs like grief and loss recovery. The next time someone’s loved one dies, they can ask the questions, “Where do I go for help? Where is a safe place for me to begin my recovery process?” The answer will be there for them within their local community church.
Paul Villanueva - Church Herald Magazine (2003)
Ordinary Heroes
When Cops Die
Doug had recently been promoted to the rank of Police Detective and was assigned to uniform patrol after his promotion. He answered the radio call on a brisk January morning, a routine loud music complaint. During the course of this “routine” investigation, he was shot in the face. Doug died on that cold January morning, giving his life to enforce society’s laws, even laws that were “routine.” He had a wife, a son, and a brand new baby girl. He was a friend of mine.
Several years prior, a beautiful young lady proudly placed the blue mantle of a police uniform over her youthful body. She wore her mantle for only 18 months because a drunk driver refused to see her in the roadway assisting a tow truck driver. Claire died on that balmy July morning.
Both of these funerals were grandiose, and my law enforcement organization spared no expense in memorializing these fallen officers. The American flags at various police stations are flown at half-mast and a feeling of sadness, soberness, and mortality filled the air. Employees were allowed to mourn the loss of a hero and a friend.
Counseling was provided for those experiencing difficulties with the death of their co-workers. Sensitivity and kindness abounded. This is a job culture that recognizes a person’s mourning. I belong to this job culture called law enforcement, which allows for the public display of mourning after the loss of a brother or sister killed in the line of duty.
Unfortunately, if the loss is not police related, as is the death of an employee’s family member, then the job culture does not go out of its way to recognize the mourning of the individual. Friends and co-workers will give their condolences, but once a griever returns to work, they are expected to perform as usual. Because no social or cultural signs of grief are recognized, the routine of work continues unchanged. This is a fault in society as a whole, and not just in law enforcement communities.
Mourning in the Workplace
The business world does not recognize mourning in the workplace very well. We do not see widows wearing black clothing in the business world, and men certainly do not mourn in public. A universally accepted time allotment for mourning is not recognized. When is it enough? When is it too soon to stop?
I found this out first hand after my father and father-in-law died within months of each other. Once I buried my loved ones, I was expected to go back to my job to continue as if I had been unchanged by their deaths. I struggled with questions and searched for understanding about death, which led me to write my book, The Wisdom of Death: Six Paths to Understanding Loss and Grief (www.BooksofWisdom.com).
This quest took over a year. How was I simply to return to work and function normally in a few weeks after suffering such a loss?
I went back to work two weeks after my father’s death. Once I arrived at my job, people expected me to function like I had prior to my father’s death. I certainly was not ready to face the world yet, and I operated in utter confusion for a long time afterward. These people were not mean or cruel; they just did not acknowledge mourning in the workplace. In their defense, I displayed no outward signs or signals suggesting to others that I was still mourning the death of my father, and I had no aura that told others to tread lightly around me. I had returned to work, and was now expected to perform as if nothing happened.
The Need for Sensitivity
An interesting incident happened to me on the day I returned to my job. My telephone rang an hour before I was to start. On the other end was an administrator frantically looking for a document, which I had given him prior to my leave of absence. The first words from his mouth were, “Are you coming in today? We need that paperwork now. It’s an emergency!” It would have been nice if he had asked how I was feeling or said he was sorry to hear about my loss before demanding this paperwork that had already been submitted to him. He had forgotten he had it, and created his own emergency. If only he would have thought of looking a little deeper, he could have saved himself a lot of panic and spared me the shock of coming back to work with both feet hitting the ground, running at full speed.
We were in two different worlds at the time, and he simply did not recognize or acknowledge my world of grief. This man was not malicious, intentionally mean, or cruel. However, because I was back to work physically, it was assumed, I was also back mentally and emotionally. My superior was operating in his business world as he had been doing all along during my time away, and I was still in my world of sorrow and confusion. Incidents like these made it difficult to return to the normal life I once knew. What people did not understand and what even I did not understand at the time, was that I was in no mental, emotional, or spiritual condition to handle the bombardment of everyday common occurrences in the workplace.
Two months later, while still struggling with my loss, my father-in-law died. My wife and I returned to work one week after his death. My wife returned to her job because she felt guilty about being away too long. She put pressure on herself to get back to work as soon as possible. She believed she could ease into her prior work schedule and slowly get back to speed. However, once she returned, she was fair game.
The Comfortable World of Grief
Although my wife displayed physical and mental signs of grief, such as tearful eyes and confusion, most people were uncomfortable with her display of pain. They treated her as if she had a contagious disease, and chose to ignore her loss. Projects, mail, staff reports, telephones, and a host of other things vied for her attention as she attempted to think out of her cloud of grief. After two days at work, she could not bear the confusion, stress, and pain, and took a leave of absence for two more weeks.
Both my wife and I became comfortable in our world of grief. It was painful, but not as painful as going back to the real world of making new decisions every hour and facing the unpredictable nature of the business climate. We wanted to stay with what we knew. We knew sorrow and pain, and that is where we were most comfortable. We were in our comfort zone with others, who could relate to what we had experienced. It was very uncomfortable talking to “normal” people about “normal” everyday things.
Our subordinates, peers, and superiors were not able to allow us to grieve at work. So we held it all in and carried the grief within ourselves. In reality, we needed to realize we were not going to get a special reward in Heaven or on earth for returning to the workplace immediately, as if our loved one never existed. We should have allowed ourselves the time to grieve. We needed to admit we were in pain, recognize our anger, and work through the many emotions with time.
Mourning is Natural
I now know it is perfectly normal and natural to grieve, mourn, and to let others know I am not completely well yet. I may not be able to wear black clothes or a mourning band on my badge, but I can display symbols of my loved one to remind people around me about my loss. I can also tell others about my feelings of sadness and confusion, asking them for their patience and kindness.
For example, I have a framed picture on my desk. The photograph is of me in police uniform with my arm wrapped around my father’s shoulder, and his arm wrapped around mine. We are both smiling, and appear full of life. This picture does two things. First, it reminds everyone who comes near my desk that I have experienced the loss of my father; second, it constantly reminds me of the fleeting nature of life itself.
Also, administrators need to be more sensitive to subordinates and other employees when they learn that the employee has experienced the death of someone they love. They must consciously make the effort to acknowledge the person’s grief and allow them, with assistance, to slowly return to their normal job functions. This benefits the individual greatly however, the benefits to the organization are even more far reaching. First, the sincere sensitivity and understanding of an administrator will make an employee very loyal to the organization. Second, other employees will hear of how the organization or key leaders in the department handled such matters, and will have a better perception of the organization in general. A key benefit is the boosting of morale by treating employees like the valuable assets they are.
It is important to remember that grieving is a natural process which should be allowed to run its course. The bereaved should not re-enter the work world too soon after loss. When we do eventually return to our jobs, we can create our own “mourning bands”. We can be creative using photographs, cards, candles, drawings, or screen savers on the computer. Anything can be used as a symbol or sign in the workplace, which speaks in our behalf about our mental, emotional, and spiritual condition to those who work around us.
Like the grieved law enforcement officer wearing a mourning band across their badge, we can display signs which tell others, “Be patient and kind. I am mourning the loss of my loved one, no ordinary hero.”
Paul Villanueva - Police and Security Magazine (2003)